A page a day

A professional writer's private thoughts

Archive for family

Big News, Big Move

I’m sitting here on the floor of the living room in the Goleta condo where I’ve spent the better part of the last 20 years of my life. It’s taken me a while to get here, but now that most of the furniture is gone and I’m officially the co-owner of a house in another state, I guess I’m finally ready to publicly share my big news: as of this coming weekend, Santa Barbara will no longer be my home.

IMG_4497

This place has been both my beloved home and the bane of my existence for many years now. For all my fellow ex-News Pressers, I know you’ll understand what I mean by “I could say it all started with a strange woman named Wendy ..” That fateful summer 11 years ago changed so much for all of us. And I have to note that for all of you whom I’m still in touch with, nothing makes me happier than to see how well you’re all doing in the revised iterations of your lives.

But at the end of the day, the paper’s dramatic and ungraceful downfall has nothing to do with my present life. In fact, it catapulted me out of Santa Barbara County, to two great years in San Luis Obispo and Paso Robles working with awesome folks like Don Murphy, Bert Etling, Tony Prado, Stephen Curran and Tonya Strickland. SLO was where I first became good at taking care of myself, so I guess I have crazy Wendy, indirectly, to thank for that.

Because I loved it here so much, I clawed my way back to Santa Barbara, taking two jobs to make ends meet. One thing you may know about me is that I always love my work. No matter what I’m doing, or how frustrated I might be at certain moments, I’m the daughter and granddaughter of some ridiculously hard-working European and Scandinavian immigrants. I’ve lost all of my grandparents now, save one, but their workhorse legacy is present every single day of my life. I never lost that second job, and it’s been one of the highlights of my career to be a contractor for Running USA these last 9 years.

I’m trying to transition here to something less positive, that I don’t really want to talk about, but if you are friends with me on Facebook you have probably already heard this. In mid-July 2015, I was dragged out of my home in the middle of the night by the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Department because my ex-fiancé falsely claimed I had beat him up (in fact, I was defending myself when he tried to throw me down a flight of stairs). They didn’t care that I had reported domestic violence by him on prior instances. It was a brutal and upsetting experience and shook my faith in the system. More significantly, it shook my faith in myself.

I’ve been a difficult person my entire life, from childhood to today. My parents are gracious about this, and I’m consistently apologetic. If we’re friends, you are patient, and I appreciate you. I probably should have been in therapy many years ago. It took the incident I’ve described above to shake me awake and make me fully commit to taking care of myself. It’s something I have to work on daily. Whether it’s forcing myself to take the time for running, yoga, walking my dogs or reading a book, that balanced downtime might seem frivolous, but it’s usually the most important thing I do every day. Life is not just about work, family, fun or achievement. It’s most importantly about balance in all things. If you are like me (Type A to the hilt), that’s something you need to remind yourself of regularly.

So how does all that context lead to this big news, a sandy living room rug and two dogs who aren’t sure what’s happening next? It’s the outcome of a pretty cool love story, rooted in trust, friendship and hard work. It’s precious to my guy and I, so I’ll keep it private. But I will say that one of the things that has bonded us so closely is that we both knew we each needed a fresh start away from Santa Barbara and some of the things that had happened to us here. To be able to do that together has been a true blessing. Thanks to his service to the U.S. Marines, my flexible career, and the support of my parents, we have closed escrow today on a new home outside of Bend, Ore.

I am mostly spilling my guts here to explain myself, and in doing so express my appreciation for those who have supported us so whole-heartedly. We have some absolutely incredible advocates in Santa Barbara County, and we love you all. Even if we haven’t seen each other in awhile – thank you. Thank you for supporting me and being part of this ridiculous journey called life. If you’re ever in Oregon, please do let me know.

Advertisements

Doris C. Mitchell

Doris Christiansen Mitchell of Solvang passed away on Dec. 30, 2017 at Atterdag Village after a struggle with memory loss. She was 86.

IMG_1510

Doris and Renton Mitchell

Born a first generation American citizen on Nov. 11, 1931, Doris grew up in Solvang. Her parents, Anne Helga and Christian Christiansen, were immigrants to the U.S. from Jutland, Denmark. They settled first in Flandreau, South Dakota, then quickly realized the warmer temperatures of a Danish community named for “sunny fields” might be more palatable.

At age two in 1933, Doris took a cross-country train trip to her new home. She would live in Solvang for the rest of her life, found a successful local business, and raise three daughters.

While attending Solvang Elementary School, Doris spoke English at school and Danish at home. Her mother was widowed in 1945 and supported her four teenage children with work as a seamstress.  Doris had three siblings, Elsie, Edith, and Harry. All preceded her in death.

After attending Santa Ynez Valley Union High School (class of 1949), Doris married Donald Doll, a high school classmate, that same year. They had three daughters: Dianne, Debra, and Donna. Doris was widowed when Don Doll died in a plane crash in 1961. Undaunted by the reality of raising three young girls on her own, she persevered.

In addition to the success of her children, Doris was quietly proud of her business, Solvang Children’s Shop – formerly Solvang Baby Gift Store – which she started at 1666 Copenhagen Drive in 1970.

The “baby store” as her family always called it, has been at the same location for the entirety of its 47 years. Taking a chance on starting a business she knew Solvang needed after being unable to shop in town for her first granddaughter, Doris and her daughters began traveling to Los Angeles several times each year to select children’s clothing from national brands.

Repeat customers often remark that three generations of their family have shopped for that perfect gift or outfit at the Solvang shop. It was Doris’ exceptional taste that made the business work.

A custom-created line of Danish style dresses, available only at the Solvang Children’s Shop, has been worn by thousands of girls for Danish Days and Scandinavian holidays. Even as she struggled with her memory, Doris sharply noticed that the Danish dress her great-granddaughter Laurel had on last September “was the largest size, and that was it after that.”

After her daughters Debra and Donna joined the business, it expanded to three stores, including the Children’s Boutique in Santa Barbara and Charlie’s Playhouse in Solvang. Today, Debra and Donna co-own and operate the flagship store.

In addition to running her business, Doris was a devoted grandmother. She was active in the lives of her five grandchildren, often picking them up from Solvang School and SYVUHS. True to her Danish roots, she was an exceptional cook and baker, talented gardener, and always had an immaculately clean home. Her apple pies and pebbernodder cookies remain family favorites, and her recipes are treasured.

Every Christmas Eve, Doris hosted a Danish celebration with shrimp cocktail, prime rib, scalloped potatoes, house made blue cheese salad dressing and traditional rice pudding with raspberry sauce. Her grandchildren all recall Christmas Eves at her house as the highlight of every holiday season.

After the death of her first husband, Doris remarried to Sheriff’s Deputy and real estate agent Renton Mitchell, in 1963. Renton’s children Robbie and Margaret joined the family. Doris and Renton enjoyed many travel adventures and the company of mutual friends. He preceded her in death in 2012.

Doris is survived by her daughters, Dianne (Ben) Etling, Debra (William) Etling, and Donna (Mark) Oliver, and her grandchildren Lisa Etling, Leah Etling, Will (Abigail) Etling, Anna (Ryan) Kloch and Peter Oliver. She had five great-grandchildren: Laurel Etling Socolow, Ian and Ellery Kloch, and Mercer and Rowan Etling, who brought her joy and smiles.

Her family is grateful for the exceptional care she received at Atterdag Village of Solvang for the last two years. Interment will be private.

Is this the year empathy ends?

America

I remember the moment in 2002 when I was first labeled an empath. Except the woman didn’t use that word. She said something else.

“You’re a classic people pleaser,” she said, somewhat jabbingly. Was she smiling or sneering? She was a sharp woman – in brain and tongue – and typically spoke her mind. I couldn’t exactly tell if it was an insult or a compliment. I mulled the words over and over in my brain, like you might worry a flat stone between your fingers before skipping it across a lake.

I wanted it to be a compliment. But it wasn’t. I wanted to deny the allegation. But it was technically true. I liked it when people around me were happy. I was willing to do most anything in my power to help them be that way.

15 years later, my empathy has only gotten worse. Age brings clarity of vision about the nonsense the world throws at us. Some of my personal trials – several of which are directly attributable to empathy-based decision making – have stressed the limits of my heart and well being. But I persist with the empathy, because to me it seems the only way to live a grounded, moral, religion-free life.

It’s behavior traceable to my grandmother on my dad’s side, who as my father puts it, “was a saint.” Fifty years ago, Grandma E would have been described as “virtuous,” a word we don’t use much in America anymore.

A nurse, mother to four boys, Sunday School teacher, endurer of medical challenges, political volunteer, charity donor, patient wife to a difficult man .. the list goes on. She had friends everywhere. Everyone loved her because she truly cared. If you met her she wanted to know who you were, where you came from and where you were going.

She didn’t do any of this consciously – it was just how she lived. Self was the last thing on the list when it came to her priorities. In fact, her health suffered as a result. I imagine her alive today, hearing the phrase “self care” and laughing about it. First she had to take care of everyone else. Self care could wait.

My empathy takes a different tact. I am concerned with the daily interaction of human beings and the well-being of my family, friends, colleagues and community members. Small details matter to me. I am the person picking up other people’s dog poop at the dog park and broken beer bottles on the sidewalk. I am the enforcer of “thank you” and ” have a nice day” at the parking kiosk or the grocery aisle. I take my friends’ dogs when they can’t walk them and bake pies for people who don’t know how.

Yes, I do some of this because I have time on my hands and can’t spend all of it working. But mostly I do it because I think society crumbles if we aren’t kind and big-hearted and giving of the resources at our disposal.  And now, finally, I am getting to my point.

A recently article by Om Malik in the New Yorker declared that “Silicon Valley has an empathy vacuum,” and described the impact of the Internet’s algorithms and technology’s fast-forward pace innovation on our culture.  I would expand the scope of Malik’s thesis to a broader and perhaps more frightening one. It is my belief that our current president, the stress of his surprising and unexpected election, and the pressure of a social media-fueled society is turning into a backlash on empathy at large.

President Obama called out the fallback of empathy as an American value set repeatedly. A couple of notable comments he made on the subject:

“Learning to stand in somebody else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. And it’s up to you to make that happen. Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.”

“We live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained.”

Search for “Donald Trump quotes about empathy” and you get something else entirely – a selection of articles about the rare instances when the current President appeared to be concerned about something other than his own victories or ego. “Beautiful little babies” in Syria, for example.

A Forbes piece from last year asserts that Trump is in fact a master of empathy, but in a manipulative way. “His instinctive understanding of his fans’ emotional states and his willingness to exploit them drive his success,” wrote Emily Willingham. Empathy becomes a weapon, and not for good. Perhaps it should be distrusted, if it is merely a con to twist emotions in a certain direction.

Which brings me to the headline that prompted this blog in the first place. From the Washington Post: How Trump’s budget helps the rich at the expense of the poor.

USA Today: Trump budget cuts safety net programs, hitting states that voted for him

Post again: Trump’s plans to cut food stamps could hit his supporters hardest

While the one percent may include the majority of Trump’s friends and fellow global businesspeople, he was elected by poor Americans. Their priority for his campaign? Jobs. Jobs and a return to prosperity for struggling small cities and towns that have been left behind by the tech economy. Towns where Medicaid and anti-poverty initiatives are essential to survival.

They took a chance on Trump because perhaps he could bring his business acumen to their micro-economic struggles. Instead, they will be more likely to die early and hungry. That is the ultimate lack of empathy. Somewhere in heaven, my aforementioned grandmother, a lifelong Republican volunteer, donor, and campaign-runner, is horrified.

I won’t quit empathy easily, especially under these circumstances. My grandmother’s legacy deserves more than that. If you need me, check the beach. There’s an awful lot of trash to pick up.

trash

Running with dogs

FullSizeRender(2)

 

Yesterday my family and I were talking about dogs. You could safely call us “dog people.” We all have dogs, and have since I was 13 and my brother was 9, when we adopted our first dog, the amazing Kasha Montana, from a classified ad in the Santa Barbara newspaper. I will remember the drive to pick see her for the first time until the day I die.

It was my brother who wanted a dog so badly that he begged my parents to let us have one. As we had recently moved to a sprawling ranch outside of Los Olivos, and we were old enough to play with her responsibly, they didn’t have much choice but to say yes.

We’d picked out the name Montana because it was one of our mutual favorite states after many family road trips. But Kasha was a good name, one that I’m even fonder of now that I’ve been to Kasha Katuwe (Tent Rocks) monument near Cochiti, New Mexico. Sometimes life surprises you. Until my first trip to New Mexico I always thought her previous owner named her after wheat cereal. But it stuck. It was a great name and she was a great dog.

She was the first dog I ever drove around with in the car, after I got my driver’s license. And she appeared with me in Runner’s World when I was 16 years old and writing about why I loved running so much. We didn’t run together every day, but she was my first running dog.

I never spent a lot of time thinking about “when I’m grown up, I’ll have a dog that .. ” or “when I’m older I’ll go running with my dog every day.” Then again, I never spent any time thinking about “when I’m grown up I’ll have a family and two kids.” Which I don’t – and that’s OK.

But I do have a dog, my crazy corgi, and I spend a lot of time in the company of dogs. It turns out that dogs, like children, are better raised by a village. It also turns out that when you have suffered severe emotional trauma, dogs can help you heal.

This morning I woke up from deep sleep in an S shape. B – the corgi – was curled up behind my knees. Sam – the Rhodesian – was curled up next to my face and chest. This is our little pack, I thought to myself. We are completely safe and happy in our own little world.

While it was still dark, we went out to run. I’ve run with a lot of dogs over the years, but these two are the most fun. Sam is the ultimate running dog. Essentially he lopes along humoring us while B and I struggle to keep up. There’s a reason why they say that Rhodesians are the ideal running dogs. They make marathons look easy.

For the corgi, on the other hand, it takes a half-dozen steps to make up for one stride made by me or the near-miniature horse. But Bulleit has a heart that must be about as big as his body. He pushes himself to the limit to keep on hanging with us. It’s the kind of thing that makes me feel proud, like a parent would. I realize a lot of people think the idea of “dog mom” is absolutely ridiculous, and I get that. But I’m not just his owner, so maybe it’s best put to say that I’m proud to be part of his pack.

This weekend the three of us ran 9 miles together on Saturday, and Sam and I covered 10 on Sunday (we left B at home to rest). Miles go faster with friends, whether they have four legs or two. Sunsets are more spectacular and moments of joy more joyous. I know I can trust these two not to leave me behind. And that’s a lot more than I can say about some of the people I’ve met.

 

 

 

A letter to my niece

Hi RLE,

You are one week old today, and Donald Trump has been President for 12 days so far.

I am so glad you are too little to understand what this means. But to be honest, even those of us who claim to be “grown up” are still figuring that out. It has been 12 long days of surprising twists, turns and turmoil on a national stage.

Let’s just say that so far it has been a pretty dark time to be a conscientious American who favors equal rights and liberal social policies. I have shed a lot of tears on behalf of many friends who are affected by sudden changes to immigration, health care and environmental law. And I’ve been sleepless at night worried about where we are going to end up in the weeks, months and years ahead.

You are going to grow up in California, which is essentially a different country from the America that decided our current President was a wise choice.  For the most part, people here are reasonable and fair. They don’t judge others based on their gender, sexuality, religion or color of their skin. I am sad to say that in the year 2017, that is not a universal standard in the United States of America. Some of us (including me) were deluded into thinking it was until quite recently. Turns out we were very wrong.

Our current president does not believe that you or I deserve to be paid equally to a man doing the same type of job. He does not believe that we deserve access to affordable health care. He does not believe we are entitled to make decisions about our own bodies and their reproductive capabilities. He does not believe that global warming is happening. And he believes that America should close its borders to immigrants, severing the 400-year-old umbilical cord that made this country what it is today.

On January 21, I went out and marched down the street in Santa Barbara with several thousand others, because I don’t think any of this is OK. So did more than a million other women and men around the country. We walked and we shouted and we sang and we cried, because it is our right as voting Americans to do so. Your dad and mom and older brother were out there marching too. It felt like one of very few constructive things we could do to stand up for an open, free, authentic America that upholds the Constitution and welcomes everyone.

I’ll write you more letters in the coming months, because I want to keep a record of this odd national journey we find ourselves on these days. Please know that your family is out being outspoken on your behalf. We want you to have Title IX intact so you have opportunities to play sports, Roe v. Wade standing so you can make your own decisions about your body, and when it’s time to go to work, you should be paid just as much as the guy in the office next to you. Even if the President doesn’t think so.

We love you,

Your aunt Leah

Once upon a time in Santa Ynez

Once upon a time in Santa Ynez, a beautiful Southern California valley known for its fast horses and perfect pinot noirs, there was raised a little girl who probably should have grown up to be a Luddite.

After all, she was brought up on Little House on the Prairie (the books, not the TV show). Television was expressly verboten in her family, because they lived too far out in the boonies for cable and satellite dishes were prohibitively expensive. Instead, she harvested acorns and played wilderness-themed games with her little brother. They ran around outside, built forts and treehouses, and used their imaginations a lot.

The day her father brought home their first computer, an IBM PC circa 1985, she typed: “Dear Mr. Bill Etling, Thank you for making me a self.” She was trying to thank her dad for building her a wooden bookshelf with cut-out hearts, which hung in her bedroom. The rather adorable typo was officially her first. The shelf still hangs in her bathroom today.

Her elementary school didn’t get computers until she was in fourth grade. Classes would trek to the computer lab to play games – Oregon Trail and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego were her favorites. But in fifth grade, thanks to a technology-savvy teacher, she discovered NYCENET.

The New York City Educational Network was an early internet set up to provide educational connectivity between public schools in New York City. An enterprising teacher came up with the idea that expanding student horizons by connecting them with other students across the country would be a tremendous learning opportunity. They set up a 1-800 number, which was supposed to be shared only with the teachers. But the West Coast students had to enter the number into an old-school modem to access their NYC counterparts. Hours of pointless chatting from home computers ensued.

The unusual experience of talking to kids so far away, living such different lives, was an eye-opener. So was the lesson on how 1-800 numbers worked when the access was revoked for running up hundreds of dollars of charges on the New York City School District’s phone bill. So in the sixth grade, she tried a different approach. She set out to get a pen pal in every single state.

Dashing off letters that were mailed to “Any School, Any Sixth Grade, Town, State, Zip Code,” she received hundreds of responses in reply. Not wanting any potential pen pal to be disregarded, she answered every single letter by hand. Some of the pen pals became correspondents for years. She never got every single state crossed off the list, but the local newspaper ran an article about her quest, and it was there that she got the idea that writing articles for a newspaper might just be a good career.

These are the things that I can’t tell you on my resume – but they give you the start of the story of how writing, communicating, sharing information and using technology became part of my life’s work and world view.

With William in Brokaw, Wisconsin, where our grandmother Etling was born in a small paper mill town.

With William in Brokaw, Wisconsin, where our grandmother Etling was born in a small paper mill town.

That first day

I hate Alzheimer’s disease.

I imagine I hate it the way some people hate cancer or auto-immune disorders or rare genetic conditions. I’m sure I hate those things too, but Alzheimer’s keeps showing up and reminding me of its power to reduce, dislodge and set adrift. In a time of life when people should be enjoying their memories, taking stock of time passed and things accomplished, this disease takes all of that away. It confuses, upsets, deconstructs. And it wreaks further havoc on the afflicted’s family, as they do their best to cope with the situation while watching the person they love fade away before their very eyes.

The pervasiveness scares me the most. My family is coping for the second time in four years. Almost every friend I have has a grandmother, grandfather or other relative who is affected.  All of their families have stepped in to be caregivers to their loved ones for as long as they can. It is stressful, all-consuming, life-altering. It is the only option.

I’ve written articles (many years ago now) about the research being done to understand Alzheimer’s and why it attacks the human brain. Some of this vital research is being done in Santa Barbara, at UCSB. I have confidence that these scientists will figure out a way to cure and treat it effectively, but I wish the science was there already. The medicine available now seems like too little,  too late.

That first day that someone you have known your whole life doesn’t know you is awful. You can prepare yourself, and guess that it will probably come soon, but when it happens it still rips out your heart. There isn’t anything anyone can say to make it better. You can’t be angry at them for not knowing you – it isn’t their fault. Their confusion, combined with your shock, becomes that moment when you search for the right identifiers to explain why they are supposed to know you.

“I’m your granddaughter.”

“I’m your daughter.”

“I’m your son.”

It’s so hard to know what you are supposed to say next. If I could redo that moment, I think I’d say: “I love you.”